If I said I knew I was pregnant from day 1, would anyone believe me? I knew. I simply knew. I didn't tell my husband nor anyone because I felt no one would believe me, and why would I spoil the fun of having this little secret all for myself? But I felt it. I knew it. So I waited patiently a few weeks to miss my period. A few days before that, I told my husband I thought I was pregnant and he was all expectations. The D day finally came, I peed on the stick and - here you go: pregnant! We were so happy!
We told our parents and brothers and no one else. After our 1st kid, I got pregnant without knowing when I stopped breastfeeding, and had a spontaneous abortion at about 14 weeks - which was quite a surprise and a disappointment at the same time since I had no idea I was pregnant. None of the times I got pregnant I had all the nausea and vomiting. I only was dizzy sometimes and extremely hormonal, and both these symptoms are common after giving birth as well, so I didn't thought of it as a sign that I might be pregnant. Anyway, I had this abortion at about 14 weeks and I wanted to wait until after this point to start telling people that we were expecting again.
The pregnancy developed normally. Since I've had pregnancy diabetes on my 1st pregnancy, I had to be cautious with it on this pregnancy as well, making a special diet, cutting all the sugar in my life, counting carbohydrates, eating every 2 hours, checking my sugar 6 times a day,... besides of that, everything went normal and although this diet is quite a pain, it made me loose 3kg on the 1st 2 months so it was already worth it.
The nuchal translucency was fine and we appointed a new ultrasound for the 15th week. It was exactly my birthday. We were specially excited about this exam because we knew we were about to find out the sex of the baby. We went inside the room holding our breath until the doctor announced: it's a girl. We were so happy! I wanted a girl from the beginning, and my husband was contagiated by the idea. For me it was the perfect birthday gift!
Everyone we told about it was very happy, but my father got the prize for the winning reaction; he called me on that day - not to say congratulations for my birthday - but to hear what we had. When I said it's a girl he started to scream as I never heard him scream before. Just to make a comparison, he screamed as if he was at a soccer game and his team just scored the winning goal. I am NOT exaggerating, seriously. Needless to say, he was extremely happy.
So after that, Passover came and we had a few weeks until we went for another routine check-up at my ob-gyn. It was the 1st day of the 18th week. I was a bit worried because I wasn't feeling anything. I know that by the book, you should start feeling the kicks only from about week 21, but on my 1st pregnancy I felt this water-like movement inside my belly from week 12. I was kinda expecting to feel it again this time, but I didn't. I told that to the doctor and she said - don't worry, we'll check her out now, it's gonna be fine.
We went in the ultrasound room and she started the exam. The doctor was too quiet. The baby too. I started to get more and more anxious. I asked - why isn't she moving??? and my eyes filled out with tears. I already knew what was happening. My doctor asked for my permission to bring another doctor in. The other doctor examined me and said: - I'm really sorry, but I see no heartbeat.
I let out a cry and burst into tears. I can't remember with details what happened next. I remember myself on my doctor's office, tears rolling on my face, trying to listen what she was telling me, what I was supposed to do now. My husband was holding my hand. We left the clinic to go home. My legs were trembling. I felt like he practically had to carry me to the car.
I felt weak and awful and fragile and hopeless. Maybe a bit guilty. I simply laid down in bed and cried. My husband didn't know what to do with me but luckily he was rational and arranged everything for me to go have an abortion in the hospital. Since I was on week 18, the normal procedure in most hospitals in Israel would be to give birth, but we had a friend who's an obstetrician doctor at a hospital in Jerusalem and managed to find us a doctor in there who was willing to do a D&C, which according to him is much less traumatic (although it sounds really awful, specially in Hebrew - the word for it is "grida", which means scratching).
After arranging everything, my husband, who was doing his best to be "the strong one", sat down next to me in the bed and asked me - what can I do? How can I help? What do you want?
The only thing I could tell him between tears was:
- I want my belly back. I want the little girl they promised me!
We both started crying and hugged, and stayed like that for a while simply because there was nothing else we could do.
We arranged for my MIL to come to our house and look after our kid who was 17mo at the time. We didn't know yet how long it would take or if hubby was even going home that day (Jerusalem is a 2-hour trip without traffic from Hadera, where we live).
I was so sad, so terribly sad. I called my brother to tell him, first of anyone, because he's my brother and the closest family I have in Israel, and also because I wasn't afraid of calling him. My brother is such a cool and rational guy, so although he cares about me I didn't expect him to make a fuss about it. I told him and then suddenly he was crying. That made me feel worse. I found myself trying to make him feel better, when I was actually hoping for the opposite. I don't blame him at all. The exact same thing happened with every other person I called, so after a few phone calls I stopped calling my close friends because it was too damn hard.
After we took care of a few work-related issues, we got on the road to Jerusalem. We were quiet most of the trip. I was trying to think what was i gonna tell my parents (who live in Brazil)...
Once we were in the hospital, I don't remember why but Mariano had to leave me alone for a few moments. I used that time to call my mom. She was sad but mostly was worried about my health. We didn't talk too much. I promised to call once I had news.
I was led into a room where I was supposed to stay and wait for my turn to do this procedure, which I was told would gonna take place the next day around noon. Because I needed a general anesthesia, I should feast for 12 hours before that.
My brother and a dear friend came to the hospital to see me, and they brought something for us to eat. I was glad to see them, but specially my brother. It was nice to talk a bit about something else, although I really was aching with sadness.
I didn't have the heart to tell my father yet. I simply couldn't. After the way he reacted when I told him we were having a girl, I was afraid that telling him would give him a heart attack or something. Plus, I couldn't bear having to comfort anyone else. Plus - and that was the worth - it was his birthday!!!.... How could I tell him that on his birthday?? I just couldn't, so I asked my brother to do it, and he agreed (although he wasn't too fond of the idea. BTW, it was HIS birthday the very next day [my father on May 2nd, my brother on May 3rd]).
The night came and they all had to leave the hospital - my friend, my brother and my husband. Mariano (my husband) went to spend the night at the house of our doctor friend.
I stayed there on my own. There was another woman in my room but I didn't talk to her. I don't really remember that night. It's been nearly a year already. I remember my hubs left me his iphone so i could entertain myself a bit.
The procedure was supposed to take place in the morning but for some reason it was delayed. I entered the surgery room at 5pm (and I had been feasting from 9pm the day before, ugh). They took me in laying down in a bed and I remember being so nervous, so afraid and breathing very heavily. Then they gave me the anesthesia. The next thing I know, I woke up in the recovery room. I was in a lot of pain. There were other beds in the room, and a few staff people walking around. I tried to scream, tried to tell them I was in pain, but my voice didn't come out. I was still quite knocked down so this moment is quite blurred in my mind. I remember being very relieved when they let Mariano in, and of crying of pain, sadness and relief altogether.
I don't remember exactly when I talked to my father. I think it was already after the procedure. I only remember him telling me he was very very sad. And I couldn't even wish him happy birthday.
I stayed in the hospital 2 more days and then we went home. I considered detailing those 2 days of recovery but it was mostly pain, weakness and lots of blood. Who wants to read about that? Anyway, when we went home I was desperate to see our little boy. He was still too small to really notice our absence. Luckily he really loves his abuela so he stayed very well with her the few days we were not home.
I've been writing this post for months now, trying to remember every detail of it. Although it's really been nearly a whole year, it still makes me sad when I think about it. We didn't try again yet for many different reasons. I hope it will happen sometime soon as we both really want it. My doctor gave me a bunch of exams to check why did I have 2 abortions on my 2nd trimester, but nothing came up on the exams, so... Well, for the next time, I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Wish me luck!
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